Harry Potter and the Chamber of Vacuums
by the sHINjo
Summary: A requested fic, another spiff off of Harry Potter. You've heard the stories of the Chamber of Secrets, correct? What would you say, if I said they were all a lie, and something much worse, hid in dormant? *COMPLETE*


Author's Note: According to the reviews I recieved for Harry Potter and the Order of the Laptop you either, really really really loved it, or just plain hated it. Well, from a request made by "abzie91" of fanfiction.net I am very excited to bring to you...HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF VACUUMS!!!!!!!!!! But you knew that...because you were smart enough to read the title to begin with...

"Ugh," Hermione seemed utterly disgusted, as she turned to face Harry and Ron within Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. "Remind me to never drink polyjuice potion again..."

She spat into the sink, which was clogged full of various pieces of hair, ooze that looked to be the color of mud, and other things that are too hard to describe.

"Guess we'll have to find another way as to seeing if Malfoy really is...The Heir of Slytherin..."

"Oh come off it, Harry. You know it can't _possibly be Malfoy. First of all, he's way too stupid to carry a job like that around. And secondly, it's too obvious."_

"Yes, and you sure would know stupid Ron." Harry mumbled back.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

Washing her mouth out with several swishes of water, Hermione looked at Ron. "You know, you could possibly be correct. I mean, I hate to point this out, but that's probably the smartest thing you've said all year!"

"Well then, that _must_ deserve a prize..." Again, Harry mumbled.

Ron looked up from picking the dirt from beneath his fingernails and blinked unbelievingly at Harry. "Do you really think so?! I deserve a prize?! What is it Harry, what is it?!"

Fiddling with his wand for a moment, Harry held it tight in his right hand and  pointed it at Ron. "A one way express route to the Chamber of Secrets." Boom.

A hole was blasted through the sink which exploded. Water spurred everywhere, and Ron fell backwards into the hole. From there, he had a ride of twisting tubes until he landed with a loud thud, at the supposed end of the tunnel.

"Ron, Ron!" Hermione scowled at Harry. "That wasn't very nice, you know. You're supposed to be a role model for the kids!" 

"Role model? WE ARE KIDS, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

"Oh hush your traps..." Myrtle came floating out of her toilet, rubbing her eyes with a yawn. Although, when she spotted Harry, she brightened considerably, and had she been able to, would've pushed Hermione down the hole as well just to stand/float next to him.

"What're you doing down here, Harry?" She smiled with a small giggle and blinked her eyelashes.

"Uh....well...."

"We're looking for the Chamber of Secrets so please if you don't mind, Myrtle, we have stuff to get done." Hermione walked through Moaning and grabbed Harry's wrist and began to drag him over to the hole in which Ron had fallen into.

"You come into MY bathroom, start yelling at the top of your lungs, make holes in MY bathroom, and expect ME not to involve MYSELF?!"

"Can you say...over obsessed?" The voice echoed through the pipes as Ron supposedly mumbled to "himself".

All three stared down the pipe.

"Quite, pig." Myrtle crossed her arms and floated in the air between Hermione and Harry.

Unfortunately, or fortunately take your pick, another familiar voice could be heard whistling a jaunty tune as well as mumble some words outside the bathroom.

"I've got a lovely bunch of potions masters...bum de bum...all of them with greasy hair...bee bum bum, tall ones, dark ones, some with overshot chins." There was a pause and a small snicker, "But none of them are as lovely as my lil Snapey-boy..."

Myrtle's eyes nearly bulged out of her glasses' frames and she clasped her hands together. Then looking back at Harry with a slightly apologizing expression she said plainly, "No offense or anything, you're very handsome for a student...but you can't compare with that melon head!" [1] And with that, she floated out of the bathroom, singing to the best of her abilities. "Oh, Professor!!!!!!!!!"

Both Hermione and Harry twitched for an uncomfortable moment but were interupted by Ron's moans. "Hey guys...can I come back now? I think the rats down here are getting hungry... BACK RAT, BACK!!!!!"

Shrugging, Harry answered. "Sorry Ron, we can't get you out, but be cautious... We're comming down!" Taking a jump, Harry lept into the hole and down the pipes he went.

"Harry, wait for me!" Hermione jumped in after. The mirror behind, though, gave more secrets than it hid. The sentence: "The Chamber of Secrets does not exist..." was written clearly upon it. But then faded slowly.

"Hermione? Ron? I can't see a thing in this pitch bla---"

"Lumous!" Raising her wand high up into the air, it shot a spark of light, and highlighted the camber with light.

"...I could've done that..." Mumbled Harry as he walked into something. The something, was Ron.

He was crouched over, huddled on the floor. "Harry... I do believe we're not in Hogwarts anymore..."

"Ron, cut the Wizard of Oz crap. What in the bloody hell are you doing down there?" 

"Look, Harry..... LOOK!" Ron turned around slowly, face showing only utter fright. In his hand, he held a cord. It had been chewed off the rest of it, and only the plug and at least two inches of the cord remained.

Hermione gasped. "This isn't the Chamber of Secrets...!"

"No really, I couldn't guess..."

"It's...it's...THE CHAMBER OF MAD, RABBID, HUNGRY, NOT-INATIMATE VACUUMS!!!!!" Beginning to hypervenalate, Hermione was forced to take extremely fast, short breaths as her eye twitched.

"Oh come off it, there's no such thing as a---" Something plastic and long wrapped around Harry's leg and pulled him away from Ron and Hermione, into the darkness.

Ron looked around, and not seeing Harry, both hands flew to his gaping mouth. "THEY'VE GOT HARRY!"

"Poor, poor Harry!" Hermione sobbed.

"I'm not dead yet!" ((c) to Monty Python) 

"I can still hear his voice... Don't worry Harry, we won't forget you!"

"AH!!" 

Hermione blinked, and found herself standing alone, wand raised high. She shuddered, and whispered. "Ron...? Harry...? If this is some sick joke....---"

That was when, _it_ came. _It _drew close to Hermione, silently, and sleek. Placing its plug close to the on button, it waited until the young witch-in-training turned around, a shrill scream escaping her lips.

"RABBID VACU---"

CLICK! SUCK!

The vacuum had flicked its on button and sucked Hermione up into its "trash bag". It was rather crowded, and Hermione raised her wand again. "Lumos!"

Inside the bag was not only herself, Harry, and Ron, but also Snape and Lockhart.

"PROFESSORS?!"

Pulling back from what looked to be a rather, "snuggly" moment, Lockhart slapped Snape across the face, in a very dramatic pose. "Where in the bloody hell are we?! I thought you said you were going to show me the Professors' Lounge!!"

Snape looked astounded, but realized that Gilderoy was putting on the act, for there were students in their midst. "Mister Potter?!"

"Professor Snape?!"

"Miss Granger?!"

"Professor Lockhart?!"

"RON!!!" All present came to yell at Ron who was hopping up and down inside the trash bag trying to claw his way out.

"Sorry..."

"So...now what do we do?" Harry fixed his glasses, and looked to the Professors directly across from him.

"Well, there isn't much we _can do. Guess we'll just have to wait until Dumbledore gets sucked in as well, he'll think of something smart."_

Everyone nodded in agreement to Lockhart's suggestion. Being it was the first _smart_ thing he'd said through his entire stay at Hogwarts.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Nothing.

There didn't seem to be much movement, so they continued to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait...

Finally Ron spoke up, in his best whining manner. "I have to use the bathroom..."


End file.
